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A new beginning.. kind of.   
08:31pm 13/03/2006
 
mood: sad
So my love and I are having problems. because of me, and because of my past, and because of the horrible person I used to be. I want to prove to him I've changed, and I want to show him what's really going on in my head. So I started a journal, it's a pretty green one with a big black and silver heart on it. I'm carrying it around to all of my classes, everywhere.. I haven't put it down, and every chance I get I'm going to write in it.

mostly about the issue that's going on, but I realize I kind of run off track when I'm upset. This is a long one. Apologies. [This is everything written in this notebook so far, only typed out on my LJ] : [This bar things, are my side comments]

Goodbye to you, mistakes
You're no longer welcome here, so please discard yourselves in an orderly manner and leave me the fuck alone!

3/12/06
Dear papernotebookholdingmythoughts,
I vow to write inside you every night before I lay down to sleep

3/13/06
See, I've already fucked up this journal thing, I can't believe I didn't pick it up to write in it last night. I mean, all I did was sit up in bed and pout till Wesley called , beating my alarm clock by two minutes. [this was very cute]I really apprieciate that he called and told me that he loves me. It made the fact that I was going to be miserable all day alittle better. My teacher said that more than 100 tornados touched down yesterday, and since I'm DJ in about a half hour [I'm in radio] I have to make the tornado thing very well known. anyway, to the whole reason I started. Wes found out about a couple things I have lied about and it broke his heart. I thought if I left them behind, I could move on. Not to say my mistakes are justified, but, I was so afraid to tell him and after a while they just disappated to me. I feel like a monster for hurting him and I'm wicked for what I did. So Perhaps I do deserve this not sleep, not eat binge today. I left my money at home [Britt ended up lending me some, thank god, I felt like I was going to pass out if I didn't get something in my stomach] I'm so tweaked today I didn't even think about it, I just concentrated on not falling down the stairs . I really do deserve this suffer, I don't deserve to breathe or be in his precense, but for some reason I am. I mean, I love him with all of my being and lately i've made him my life. I've turned down friends to be with him, I wish he could see I've changed. I don't have nor want anything to do with my past any longer, I want to move on to my future, but I want it to be with him. I really truly do. I wish he could see it carved into my heart. Today at the bus stop [due to tornado] the wind was blowing so hard I felt like if I wasn't such a monster I would just float away.. sadly, I didn't depart.I didn't because I'm bad and evil, and I'm a liar. When the wind whipped through my hair [which was wet and stringy from my shower] I imagined all the strings and ropes were each lies I have commited and they were just blowing away. I wish it would all just go away so we can be happy together. I want him to know i'm different and I've changed for him. I've given up all of them only to find I feel so much better free from them. I love Wesley Kutch with all my existance, but will he ever see? Will I ever be forgiven or trusted again? I don't think I will, because I've gone beyond the point of being forgiven and it this all ends out okay I'll truly know miracles exist. I guess I can't call myself an atheist anymore, because this is helping me believe that there is a higher being. Never will i say that higher being is God, and he never died on the cross for my sins - he would have to do a lot of dying anyway. that higher being wouldn't want that. Wes is the reason that I found to change who I used to be and the reason to wake every morning [because I can't find it in myself, frankly] I was so consumed by suicide just a year or so ago but because of him and his love for me I am still here. I'm so tired and I'm hungry and sick to my stomach.. I just want to throw up, bleed, anything to hurt like he does.. to feel a little cleaner. I don't even want to look in the mirror because I know I won't like what I see. I wish everything would go away, wish it could be erased so him and I can be together. So I can be with the person who means the most to me. So I can show him my love and my sorrow & pain for hurting him. I've written, done and through some very bad things that would crush anyone that adores you. But he's always strong, and if he's going to be gone that's something I'll forever miss. His strength, his courage and dedication, his love. I can't stand him to leave because I would never again get to feel safe with his arms around me and feel his soft lips on mine, i wouldn't get to smell his intoxicating scent ever again because I'm a monster. I feel like my life is spinning and no one is there to catch me or understand but him. But I know that after I did what I did he'd probably rather me hit the ground than waste the effort. I did really bad, horrible things, and if I were someone else I would tell me off. I wish I could show my heart to him, you know.. rip ir out and show him it's got his name engraved in it. I used to be the most untrustworthy, unfaithful person but now I know.. I know I want him. I want his comfort he provides, his deep soulful eyes, his love that has ALWAYS been true. It's all I want and need. I don't deserve to be trusted given my past but I want Wesley to know it's only him and my heart is his. I want him to be happy, but is us parting the only way? I don't want it to be, because without him I'd be a lost fish, a fish out of water, a not-so-meaningful-anymore mewissafish. Please, whatever higher being you are, make everything okay.. I have to go be DJ now, I'll write more soon. I love my angel.

I just got done being DJ, it was so weird. I didn't care, I don't care about anything but him and us right now. I think I scared the news caster because he even looked at me like I am the disease I feel like I am. God I love Wes, I wish I could take all those bad negative things back.
Bell just rang, write soon.

So now someone realizes I'm not so chipper and she calls me pretty, and shares her chair. God bless Madi, I never thought beauty was an empty expression and black eyes.

I'm supposed to be working on my ceramics project but I'm shaking too bad. I'm scared to death, I'm afraid he'll find something I don't remember, and failed to tell him. He'll just see more lies.. and well, what if he leaves? I don't want to be without him, without my heart.

I'm home now and I've done a lot of thinking. What will I do if he doesn't come visit me in two weeks? Or what if he does come and doesn't treat me like his girlfriend, or something along those lines..

It would be torture. I wouldn't feel safe because his arms would not be around me, and if he didn't come, I'd miss everything about him from his soft skin to his adorable prickly face hair. His deep eyes, which I have no problem getting lost in. His comforting voice, and his warm sense of humor. That smell of his that I still can't name, but that scent alone that could calm me in an instant. I want and need to feel him, hold him, smell him. God I hope things work out because I'm going to be scared of myself if I don't get these things. It's like a drug addiction and he's my drug of choice.


Please let a miracle occur again.




~
I'm sorry if some things seemed repetitive, but I wrote all this throughout the course of the day during my free time in class, so yeah.. it was spur of the moment spilling.

I love you, Wes

*Melissa*
 
     

((2)Slit my throat once more.)

 
I'm so sick of spinning..   
04:43pm 13/03/2006
  Yeah, so I guess I'm writing in this thing again.. on Wes' request. Personally I'd rather delete everything about this journal and never again look back to what I wrote. I want to leave all the boys I mentioned on this journal behind [Except Wes], because they no longer matter to me. I used to be a liar and a horrid person. I still lie occasionally but for the most part, I'm okay now.. I love one person, and one person only.. now I just need to make him believe me.. I just want everything and everyone else to disappear.. I want the world to be ours, and I wish my past would just leave me alone..

Anyway, I have a long entry coming up.
But I can't type it right now because I have not slept in more than 48 hours and I really think I should rest.
I'll get it out, or some of it.. later tonight.

I love you, Wes

*Melissa*
 
     

(once more.)

 
   
07:23pm 21/01/2006
  So like.. Wes and I have been having a hard time lately.. but I don't feel like going into too much detail. We worked things out, but we're still kind of touchy about the situation. I don't know, we're just really delicate at this point. I hope everything works out though, because he makes me feel so amazing when we aren't fighting, or when we're together, nobody has ever made me feel that way. I'm just so connected/in love. I understand nobody is perfect, so a relationship couldn't be perfect either. Every one has their hard times, so why shouldn't we? I don't know. I just pray that everything works out because I love him so much, and I hope he loves me just the same.


My legs are burning, the fire is bright.. and I don't want it all to end tonight, 'cause I know I might not see you again. My fingers are frozen, my voice out of key.. I want you to be more than a memory, but I know I might not see you again. Remember how much we laughed, whenever you cracked a joke? Remember, I didn't listen so close to every word you spoke, remember how funny it was when you fell down and I watched everything..? Remember it all and please don't forget me.
If I would have given up, I would never have fallen into you.

I hearts you mucho, babi.

~Melissa
 
     

(once more.)

 
Hold up, let me catch my breath.. ha ha.   
09:51pm 15/01/2006
 
mood: tehehe
Friday - Classes were lame, but everyone was real relaxed which helped. Like, my teachers weren't pressurey at all about me missing school Wednesday. Bryant was actually really sweet about it, and was sympathetic and is going to let me make up my quiz on tuesday. I heart him so much, he's an uber cool teacher and really outgoing. The subject he teaches interests me too.. yum. Overnight I stayed with Britt and Jess. We broke lots of .. stuff, and it made me feel good. I love being daring. Britt and I got baby pacifiers or whatever. They are so cute. Jessica got some clothes. We went home and ate chips and salsa.. played Scrabble and otherstuff with the word Blandent. Watched some movies in the theater in her basement. fell asleep in comfy bed between 3-4 AM.

Saturday - Woke up at Britts, came home.. got ready. Went to see Memiors of a Geisha with Jess, Britt and Jess's mom. Afterwards we picked up Devyn and ordered pizza.. then went to the Radio dance. I wore the Loser shirt britt made me for christmas. It's so cute, I love it to death. I feel awesome when I wear it for some reason. I danced for an hour or two, then got tiredy and they started to play slow songs and I got upset and sat out till they dropped the ball and they shot the canons of confetti and cash. I got some lil' gift certificates from places.. I probably won't ever use. I got dropped off at home around 12ish and I called Wes.. he's really mad at me, and we fought till about 2 and I was so exhausted, I wasn't sure about anything. I just wanted to die. anyway.. I finally got to bed around 2:30

Today - I went shopping with my mom, Jess and Ryan came over.. uh.. Devyn called.. that's about it.
I'm starting to run out of things to do with myself. It's really sad, but like.. I don't have the desire to go anywhere either. I'm so tired, and I want some like..I don't know. I have to make up my speech tomorrow.. damn I'm excited.

I need my hair colored again. :\
 
     

(once more.)

 
Stress   
08:15pm 09/01/2006
  Ugh, I'm so stressed out. I got new classes today.. they aren't bad. I'm def. not excited about speech, but I am about psychology. my teacher is awesome too. woo. tomorrow is going to be an easy day, but if I feel the same way I did today.. it'll be twice as hard. I'm also stressed about stuff with Wes.. so I'm like.. double bitch now. YAY FOR DOUBLE BITCH. I should be a superhero.  
     

(once more.)

 
   
08:06pm 07/01/2006
 
mood: Na na na na na shake ittttt.

I don't know if I updated .. or what I updated. So I'll say the other day I hung with Jess, Devyn, Erica, and Jenna. It was fun. We played games and watched movies. Devyn's mom is pretty much kickass. I had fun. Devyn got me little heart picture frames so I could put my Wesley/Mel pics in it.

Today.. I saw Hostle. Wesley's going to see it tonight with his brothers.. and let's just say, I'm ready to call him and tell him I don't want him to see it. I was kind of disappointed about the scary factor, but like.. there's so many nude girls and stuff in it, I was pretty much disgusted/worried. I'm very uncomfortable knowing that's what he'll be watching all night. And I won't be there to take his mind off them. It's pretty depressing, but I'll make it.

you know you have major problems when a movie scares you because your boyfriend is going to see it.

 

So I found this thing on Myspace and it's about girls and whatever and I thought I'd put it in my LJ and highlight all the stuff that holds true for me [because I'm bored] Look if you like, I just did it because I have nothing better to do and I want to see how much of it describes meeee.

 

The girl who deserved . . Collapse )

 
     

(once more.)

 
Creepy.   
01:02pm 05/01/2006
  oh my god, why did britt leave right when I need her!

Okay so I had this horrible dream last night. I went to the fair with some of my friends and it was cool at first, but after a while they started to ignore me. If I'd talk to them, they'd yell at me. So I walked off on my own. People would walk by and look at me and sneer and point, and I'd find other friends at like.. Stands, and I'd be like "Hey, do you know why they aren't talking to me?" And at first, they'd kind of nod and pay attention.. and I kind of got a few of them together and was like "okay guys.. why won't any of them talk to me?" So they all looked down at my stomach and turned and walked away, all talking to each other and all ignoring me. I followed them crying and eventually I passed out from being so hysterical.

then I found my dad later after the paramedics took care of me and he said he wanted arbys.

This dream scares me so much. I'm afraid of gaining more weight.
 
     

(once more.)

 
   
06:38pm 01/01/2006
 

Happy New Year !

 

Anyone have some interesting resolutions? Comment <3 I'd like to know.

I have some as well, but only one is interesting. Shh, it's a secret though.

 
     

((1)Slit my throat once more.)

 
I do.. bang bang. >   
08:58pm 27/12/2005
 
mood: mellow

I'm confused. Some of my friends have been talking about if they are bi or lesbian or not. How do you go about questioning that? Like.. looking at a girl and being like "wow, she's hot" or something? I've questioned it before, but it was totally random and the thought lasted about 5 seconds. Did you know that being bi is the cool thing right now? Last year it was ipods, this year it's being bi. It's like.. on the market, top order! woo. I mean, I love bi people. I think its pretty cool and everything and I Have nothing against them, but don't pretend to be bi because thats what all the guys find sexy. In short, be your own gender.. fuck, be yourself and don't change for anyone else.

Damn fake bi people.
PS- this was not directed at anyone I know or that knows me, I've just noticed. My friends that have been questioning being bi, this is not anything against you. I think it's cool that you're pondering such issues, but don't be fake.
<3

 

Relationship SurveyCollapse )

 
     

(once more.)

 
I chime in.. Haven't you people ever heard of closing the god damn door?   
12:30pm 24/12/2005
 
mood: indescribable
I went to Gauri's party last night with Jess. I had to pick her up at Devyn's. Both of us are really sick right now, so the whole time we were just kinda like.. "ugh" but I went out of selflessness and to make her happy. It was actually pretty fun. We limbo'd and played Twister. It was a hawaiian theme so I had a flower in my hair and a lei around my waist & a plastic flip flop keychain on my belt loop. We played truth or dare, and I dared JC to melt ice cubes under her arm pits. It was so funny, Jess took a picture of her with the wet spots. We got lots of pics, and I might post them later if I ever get a hold of them. We got home around 11:30 and I just.. passed out. Was fun, sweet sixteen Gauri! Have fun with your new cell <3

So my mom and sister want to take me shopping, and I really don't want to go. I'm not a shopping addict like a bunch of other girls. I'm so un-carmel. Shoot me. But I already showered, so I have to go.

I feel like a dirty wrung out dish-towel. Yeah, that's how sick and disgusting I feel right now.

Happy christmas eve, bitches

<3

& the song I'm listening to right now, is godly.
 
     

(once more.)

 
I want out..   
06:26pm 21/12/2005
  So.. I'm starting to worry about myself.

I'm sure you've read the 12 steps to overcoming bitchiness below.. but like, I feel bitchier now that I did it. I kind of feel like I'm always going to be this way. Today Britt pointed out that we're even bitchy to ourselves. Like.. we make fun of ourselves and put ourselves down, and I guess it's our sick way of counterbalancing our guilt? I feel really pathetic but.. yeah. Today I was so pissed too [because of what someone did to me], I think I do the whole bitch thing to get back at all the things that piss me off.. It's weird. I wish I wasn't this way sometimes.
 
     

(once more.)

 
Britt and Mel's 12 steps to overcoming bitch-tendencies.   
10:40pm 20/12/2005
  1) admittance of problem
2) finding person who is bitchy too.. as to help you undergo this grueling 12 step program
3) attempt to make up lame steps to overcome bitchiness that probably wont be helped.
4) make up your own 12 step program to feel like you actually care about how bitchy you are
5) convince others you really do care about being bitchy.
6)Start being a bitch in your head and not out loud.
7-8) continue on with your bitchiness cause chances are people already hate you anyways
9-12) shut the fuck up and accept your destiny.. as a true bitch.
 
     

(once more.)

 
Sometimes I think that the things I remember are more real than the things I see.   
09:46pm 18/12/2005
  When I was younger I used to think passion must fade with age, just as a cup sitting in a room would eventually spill its contents into the air. But when him and I returned to my apartment, we drank each other up with so much yearning and need that afterwards I felt drained of all the things he had taken from me, but full from all the things I had taken from him. I fell into a sound sleep and dreamt of a banquet I attended. An elderly man spoke to me about how his wife, whom he cared for deeply, wasn't really dead because all the times they spent together were still alive inside of him. While he spoke these words, I drank from a bowl of the finest soup I'd ever tasted. Every briny sip was like a new shot of ecstasy. I began to feel like all the people I'd ever known who had died or left me had not in fact gone away, but continued to live on inside me just as this mans wife had done. The soup was filled with all that I'd ever cared for in my life, and while I drank it.. this man spoke his words right into my heart. I awoke with tears streaming down my temples, and I took his hand, fearing that if he died in his sleep I would never be able to live without him. Yet, his death happened just months after. I understood that he left me at the end of his long life just as naturally as leaves fall from the trees. I can't tell you what guides us along in life, but for me.. I fell towards him like a stone falling to the earth. Even now that he is gone, I still have him in the richness of my memories. It's true that when I was younger, I believed my life would have never become a struggle if he hadn't taken me from my old house.But now I know that our world is no more permanent than a wave rising on the ocean. Whatever our struggles and triumphs, however we may suffer from them, all too soon they bleed into a wash, just like watery ink on paper.  
     

(once more.)

 
   
08:43pm 15/12/2005
  So, like.. I'm the kind of person that knows everyones name, but they don't know mine.. or if I even exist. But today in Radio .. everyone talked to me. They called my name to get my attention, and they included me. It sounds weird but I'm always the quiet one and they were trying to suck me in. I loved it, and I eventually came out of my shell and started joking with a couple people. It was fun, and made my day..

I also got my radio promos done. No fail for me.
 
     

(once more.)

 
   
09:52pm 14/12/2005
  ThePerfectNobody [9:52 PM]: "i'm sitting on a bridge, waiting in the dark.. I thought that you'd be here by now"
Dragooner1201 [9:53 PM]: theres nothin but the rain
Dragooner1201 [9:53 PM]: no footsteps on the ground
Dragooner1201 [9:53 PM]: im listenin..but theres no sound
ThePerfectNobody [9:54 PM]: isnt anyone trying to find me
ThePerfectNobody [9:54 PM]: won't somebody come take me home
ThePerfectNobody [9:54 PM]: it's a damn cold night
Dragooner1201 [9:54 PM]: tryin to figure out this life
Dragooner1201 [9:54 PM]: take me by the hand, take me somewhere new
Dragooner1201 [9:54 PM]: dont care who you are but I'm
ThePerfectNobody [9:54 PM]: pathetically in love . . .

Awesome. So something is/was happening earlier and this song totally. just, sums everything up about how I was feeling, and I LOVE to type out lyrics to random people.. so - I was talking to him and I started typing out this song that reminds me of everything.. and he knew it, and we did a nifty duet. Guys singing Avril Lavigne is pretty coolbeans.

I don't want to fall to pieces
I just want to sit and stare at you
I don't want to talk about it
and I don't want a conversation
I just want to cry in front of you..
 
     

((1)Slit my throat once more.)

 
fanatic, drug addict..   
09:08pm 13/12/2005
  So history today was lame. we had a sub who looked like he just jumped out of college, I felt bad because we all talked [except for me, I tried watching the movie on King .. something. England crap from way back] it was interesting at first, but then the fact I got no sleep again hit me and I dozed off. My brother came in my bedroom at around 2 AM and wanted to see my rabbit. Just like my mom had done the night before. Honestly, leave me be on a school night. If it's a weekend, feel free to enter at 2 AM but I do like sleeping when I have school in four hours. Britt came in during SRT and we talked. It was fun shit, and we tried attempting to make plans for this weekend. I don't think we got too far, really. But I had fun. She's fun. I heart her. We might throw a going away party for Sam too. She's moving sometime soon and she's such an angel. Like, she thinks sex and sexual stuff is scary but shes not pathetic about it. She's just.. cute. She's always nice too, and happy. I wish i was like her. anyway, I got a note today from a friend whom shall remain anonymous. But a lot of you probably know who I'm talking about.

She found a note I had written to her in Jr. high and it read something like "I'm so sorry you're throwing your life away on drugs and alcohol and the people you call friends. I wish you'd stop it all and have it just be us again. I miss us and I miss you. I'd give anything for you to be who you were in elementary." So, she wrote me a note telling me how much she loved me, and misses me, and how she's going to try and stop everything she's been doing that's bad. Lots of you are probably like 'oh well, she won't really stop' but hey, I think it's really the thought that counts right now.She's willing to write down and hand me a piece of paper saying she'd stop for our friendship. It's cute. hearts, chika. now, we must raid Steph W. and make her love us again. without her dog eating us.

I'm really damn cold, and I realized.. hey melissa, you have no homework tonight. It's fucking awesome. tomorrow, we'll probably get out of school early 'cause we're supposed to get a really bad snow/ice storm around 3 - which would totally fuck up the buses. So.. totally! I can't wait to get out of school early. [we better] rawr

I can't wait to go to JEL and get my cosmetology degree/license and be done with school by 2008 for good. but.. still must sign the papers. can't procrastinate [like always] or I'll be giving up an amazing thing. I'm such a loser.


I've got an addiction to love and listening to your voice coo me to sleep every night. mwuahs babi <3

~Melz
 
     

(once more.)

 
don't leave me hanging..   
09:01pm 12/12/2005
  "Your bad qualitys make me want to vomit on a helpless child." So Amanda got caught .. intoxicated today and the police were at her house at 5 AM, and Sara is in the hospital. That coniving bitch [sara] turned in Amanda, Sean and Adam. Sean and Adam are going to court and will probably go to jail because of the charges against them, and.. Amanda's just uber grounded. No offense man, but thank god Sara is leaving. She's too much of a bad influence on my once angelic Amanda. I can't tell you my habits are too much better, but I know when to stop. Anyway, I sorta finished my relationship paper and.. yeah.

Fuck, so like my dad just emailed me

Ryan was in a car accident.
 
     

(once more.)

 
new member!   
04:12pm 07/12/2005
 

So like.. my mom and I went to petco a couple days ago, and just.. fell in love with a cute little girl bunni. I just submitted a thing to adopt her, and mom says I can have her for christmas.

 

  Audrey

 
     

((1)Slit my throat once more.)

 
   
07:41pm 06/12/2005
  So like, I think my little depression bout may be over. I hate being bipolar.. I cried myself to sleep last night and today I felt.. decent. I'm talking to Madi again, though I only stopped for a day it felt awkward.. My right foot hurts like a bitch, and made me not sleep last night because it was so tender against the blankeys and stuff. It's snowing. I had a dentist app. and a hearing test today. Crazy. I miss Wesley so much, I wish my birthday came sooner.  
     

(once more.)

 
When you lose small mind, you free your life . .   
09:23pm 05/12/2005
  I'm so clingy and .. why can't I be like other people I know? I wish I could live without a constant knowing that someone loves me. And I want to be content with my position with others. I don't want to be paranoid about being cheated on like I am. I want to be comfortable, and okay and.. not so.. me.

I don't want to be me anymore.

That's the meaning of this post. I wish I could throw away my current worries and bothers away with this post.. but this is as far as I'll probably get.. is posting it.
 
     

(once more.)

 
drop it like it's hot.. ?   
05:15pm 04/12/2005
  So like, yeah. Friday.. I think I updated about. Dinner? yeah.

Saturday. Jessica, Devyn and Britt picked me up around 3 ish.. and we chilled at Jess's house till 8. We talked about sex, squishy balls, and romantic candle light in jessica's new bedroom. Ate pizza and poop cookies [haha] and.. yeah. Around 8 we went to the skating rink and ice skated till 10. After that we rented House of Wax and watched that on Jessica's computer [since she grabbed a DVD and forgot she didn't have a DVD player till we got home.] but by the end of the movie, we forgot it was on hercomputer because we were all spread out in her.. loft thing with blankets and pillows and it was great. I got home around.. 1:30 - Carmel had a severe ice weather road storm. thing. I was also having a bad night for a while, because Wes said I wouldn't talk to him till Monday if I stayed with my friends. Which. yeah. It's only a day, but it's like forever with him. I feel so pathetically dependent.. I wish he had his cell back so I could talk to him.

Sunday..today. I woke up with this horrible migraine, and cried myself to sleep [again] it hurt so bad. I called Madi and asked if she still was going to Mall.. and went to mall. I was the first one there, but was late.. so I thought they left me behind and on my way out the door [pissed and hurt of course] Madi & Hanna caught me . She was late too.. late-r. But Joelle showed up latererer. We ate lunch with Jessica cause she was working today. I felt kind of left out because Madi and Joelle kind of branched off together.. Hanna felt left out and eventually left early with her 'rents.We ran into Jeff and his new girlfriend [which all they do is fuck. It's gross, they hardly know each other.. I think. Oh well] It was awkward, and I went and saw the bunnies and puppies at the pet store.. then went home w/ my mom. My dad finally fixed my car. It had no power steering so I was over-exerting myself just turning around at the end of the street. it was so gay, but now its easy to do again. I'm kinda cold, so like.. yeah. I have homework to do, and a book to read .. but I don't want to. I miss my Wesley - but I don't think he's happy with me right now.. he doesn't seem like he wants to know me currently..
 
     

((1)Slit my throat once more.)

 
   
08:33pm 02/12/2005
  so I got a artistic hair up my ass and this was as far as I got


"And you're so cold, but that's okay
Because I'm dull and you like me that way"

Um.. today was okay. It was long and I was tired. Actually, I probably sleptwalked/talked my way through every class. I .. apparently am a big contributer in English and my teacher pulled my aside at the end and was like "Great job today, Miss DeArmond" He calls everyone Mr or Miss and their last name. I know everyone in the class by their last name now, instead of their first.. so when I see them in the hall and talk to them I call them their last name. It's kind of lame of me, but that's how I remember them.

So tonight I went out for my Dad's birthday. It was .. okay. Definately not worth the 170 some dollars we paid between 4 people. But everyone else liked it and my sister just said I was "a picky shit" - It was cold, and I might go to a fancy show dance a couple times this month since I know a show dancer and she has some free shows coming up this month. She's a ballerina. It's cool. So this weekend better not suck. I'm so exhausted and I just want school to end already. I want it to be summer, and I want Wesley to visit for weeks and weeks and forever.

my stomach hurts like a bitch. I feel pregnant.

have a good weekend everyone. <3
 
     

(once more.)

 
   
05:51pm 27/11/2005
  So like.. Jessica and Ryan broke up. He moved out and she said she 'needed space' and just.. left. So she's 'missing' and no one has heard of her since last night. He's gone and is bringing Peyton over today to say goodbye. I'll miss Peyton a lot, but I think I'll miss Ryan more. For once, I'm siding with my sisters boyfriend over her.

I hope we don't lose him for good too.
 
     

(once more.)

 
The good, the bad and the really fucking cold.   
02:02pm 26/11/2005
 
mood: lonely
So, Thanksgiving break for me is practically over. Not because I won't be home, but because I've run out of entertainment. I spent most of it with Wesley - and.. oh, you must read. Actually, it probably won't sound cool to you, but I had the time of my fuckin' life.
I'm in lurve.

Wednesday - I didn't go to school [neither did Devyn, apparently] Wes, Shaun and Blake got here around 2:15 and I showed 'em my house and all the boys played my brother's new XBOX 360. They were.. needless to say, impressed. Around 3:30 we went to Devyns house and omgooses, it's gorgeous since they redid it. I mean, it was pretty before but I'm amazed. I said goodbyes to her and wished her fun in IL. We went to Circle Centre after that and played at the arcade thing. I lost my purse, which contained a cell phone and about 40 bucks + MAC make up.. which is too expensive to lose. I almost died, but it was turned in and nothing was taken [surprisingly] Afterwards we went and picked up Jessica and was supposed to meet Madi and Veni at Mongolian BBQ but Veni went to the movies cause we were late and Madi had family come in and couldn't make it. So.. the five of us went to Qdoba [was gross, hehe] But I got to spend time with my two fav. people [Jess and Wes] After that we screwed around at Blockbuster and left empty handed.. [cept candy] Walked in the woods.. and they left. But before they left, I got man-attacked and loved it. Mm.. I was sad.

Thanksgiving - Was pretty lame, actually. I woke up early and cooked some of the meal. my aunt came over and helped. family came, we ate.. and I faded away into my bedroom because I felt sick. Wes called, lost his wallet.. yeah. Crazy day. I was pretty down the whole day because I wanted to see him again - and frankly.. didn't think I'd get to for a long time. Till about 11 o' clock that night. He got online and told me if I could get a ride, I could hang with him the next day.. all day, at his family's house up north. I got a ride after a long time of begging and whining, and went to bed but failed to sleep. I felt really sick all night, like.. not feverish or .. having a cold, but I felt so dizzy and nauseas.

Friday - I woke up at 7 and threw up. It was .. gross. But, I didn't let that fuck up my good time. My dad drove me to Peru, IN and Wes and his cousin Jen [who's a total sweety AND a hairdresser.. which is what I want to be] met us there. Dad left and they drove me the rest of the way to Hanna. Pretty much the whole car ride I refrained from puking. It was nerves, I suppose.. because after I met everyone in his family and stuff, I felt okay. I got a headache somewhere along the way and a feverish tinge. [But so did he, so we suffered together] They were all pretty nice, and didn't ask too many questions [which is the way I like it, because I'm shy]I was intro'd as "This is my girlfriend, Melissa." "Oh, carmel! How far from St. Vincents?" hehe, that was about it. ^^; I still don't quite understand the whole.. St Vincents thing, but .. yeah. Easy question to answer. Three stoplights or so. After we got there we just kinda chilled and played pool. Was a close game, but I beat him by one ball..or shot.. or whatever. After that we went to Wal-Mart and shopped. We took this big.. Excursion? Diesel fueled SUV thing. It was ginormous. It reminded me of a plane with all the stuff on the ceiling. [TV, air Cond. thing, etc.] I made him smell all the goodies in the candle area, and drug him through the kids section and picked out clothes for my future kids. He was.. well, humiliated? I'm not sure, but he didn't like it much. But he's too much of a sweety to get angry at me and was just all cute and whiney about it. Make up was an adventure and we raided the Axe [mm..] section. Okay, I raided, he followed. I realized, I can't hoolahoop anymore =( Mm.. went home, watched TV for a couple hours.. went to his cousin's new house [it was adorable and gorgeous and stuff!] Got pizza.. ate dinner.. met more family, and went downstairs. Played with Ian and Blake for a while, and after Wes fell asleep and I had to maul him to get him up.. Blake and Ian played pool, and Wes and I played our own little.. game. Actually, we took a nap. After a while of being alone downstairs his parents got iffy and called us upstairs [they know us too well] and we chilled and everyone ate pie till we had to leave. The car ride back to Peru was depressing, and I didn't want to leave him at all. When my mom pulled next to us he grabbed me and was like "NO DONT LEAVE ME" hehe, I was like.. "Aww" and didn't want to leave. I was upset on the way home and debated crossing the grass median a couple times to go back. We finally got home at about 2 AM this morning, and basically.. I didn't/don't want to get out of bed. I'm so.. blah because I'm not with him anymore.

When I'm around him, I feel like a different person. Not different as in.. I'm a total bitch to everyone else. But hey.. I'm bipolar. Sometimes I get upset-ish for no good reason, and sometimes I'm like.. OIASHFAUBG excited. But around him, I'm this.. happy median. I'm generally happy and stuff doesn't get on my nerves that normally would. He's my stress reliever and my mood balancer. I love him so much, and I'm.. quite amazed I could feel this way for anyone frankly. I'm not much of a lover, I've always been .. a .. liker? Let alone someone that's so far away. But when I'm with him it's cool, and it doesn't matter anymore because I know he loves me as much as I love him and it's.. amazing. I'm glad I can have someone like him that does this to me, and that I think about all the time - I just wish he could be with me all the time.

Life would be so much better if it was like that.
 
     

(once more.)

 
so today was the day I died a little, but I love this kid.   
04:54pm 14/11/2005
  Um.. yeah. Today was a bad day. it was a monday.. and Chemistry was .. okay, I actually participated because I understand this unit [mostly] and Geo we did boring stuff, and sometime during the day the school called my mom, but she didn't get the call and called the number back and it was just the main recording for the office. Lunch was okay, so was Foods. I did this word search with Tyler and drug through notes. Planned our soup lab for Wednesday with Devyn in my kitchen.. english was sad. We read about Julius Caeser's death and Amanda was crying. I'm sick of the way her friends are treating her. And I'm hurt because my boyfriend thinks I'm a slut, and made a .. painful comment about whoring myself out around school for money. I have to say, I cried a little after I hung up. I've always dressed this way, and if I didn't, I look even dumpier than I am. If I don't wear those low-cut and tight things everything drapes off my boobs and makes me look .. really fat. And my jeans, that's just how I wear them. I'm very reserved compared to a lot of the way the girls at my school dress, and it's really not that bad.. but he doesn't like it. That's just who I am and how I dress. Clothes are a big part of my life, because if I don't become a cosmetologist, I want to be a fashion designer. So I can actually say, they are a part of who I am. Kind of like his video games. It's confusing, but I'm very hurt and all day I couldn't look at lots of people in the eye because I was afraid they thought I was a slut too.. But, when I got home.. Payton ran to me and called me Momma. It.. was the cutest thing. It made me hope that that's what it will be like in the future when I have kids.. I walk in the door and cute little adorable kids come running screaming "momma!" Good thing my sister didn't hear, she'd be upset that her boyfriends son thinks I'm his mom. Payton likes kitties too! ^^; he's ka-yute and precious and good little kid stuffs. That and when I was driving I saw a construction worker dancing on the side of the road.. those two things made my day. Anyway.. I'm going to bed now because I didn't sleep at like.. all last night.

ciaos..
 
     

(once more.)

 
Yeah.   
05:45pm 12/11/2005
  So yeah, I'm watching Interview with the Vampire and I feel the need to update. This movie is hot, by the way. Though some parts do upset me. And I was reading a survey given to me by. Wesley he filled it out for me because I asked him to. And there was a lists of firsts 'first true love' 'first kiss' 'first .. something like that' and I realize I really am pathetic. My name wasn't under any of them, and I didn't expect it.. no. but it just made me realize how sucky I am about the opposite sex. Sure, I've dated a handful of guys and two or three I thought I loved.. the rest of them had potential [I guess everyone has potential though since people change] But you know, I've never felt I TRUELY deeply.. whatever loved any of them. uh, till now. So, he's my first everythingingod you know? But I'm fifteen and just now discovering this love idea. I'm so relationtarded And I hate it. Okay, so maybe he started all this at fifteen too, and its just a matter of age? I don't feel any better and I had an idea to say but I just forgot it.. Why am I so jealous of everything? I'm such a relationship newly-unmade-virgin Unexperience is a bitch. Maybe that's why I'm a bad girlfriend. But you know, I can't complain [justifiably SP?]. Because he's great and doesn't seem to think so I'm so bad. I just kind of feel.. dumb...new. Kind of like when you transfer to a new school and have no friends yet, and have no idea where anything is located. Or how to act . . .

Long Shot Hero - Drunken Emo Song !!Collapse )

 
     

(once more.)

 
I don't want you to know where I am..   
06:48pm 09/11/2005
  So.. today I didn't go to school. I stayed home and slept most of the time. I went to the doctor and asked for a cortizone shot but.. no luck. I got this pill instead. Um.. she said I had an ear infection [thanks] and that my tonsils and lymph nodes or whatever were hugely swollen. So she gave me this pill that will take care of my face and my sickness. How great! Afterwards I took mom to get a flu shot.. and we ran around. My sister is bitching at Ryan unfairly and she's making his life miserable. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going to be like that in ten years.
I don't think so.
 
     

((1)Slit my throat once more.)

 
Now I'm lying on the table with everything you said   
10:12pm 03/11/2005
  It will all catch up eventually, and it caught up but honestly.. the weight of my decisions were impossible to hold.. but they were never yours.

So, I'm kind of upset right now. I'm angry that Wes has another S&D meeting this weekend. They're good for him, you know? But I'm so jealous that he's around all these girls all weekend, and all his friends [one of which suggested he find another girlfriend at one point. oh yeah, I cried myself to sleep a couple nights over it.]I kinda feel like him and I don't talk like we used to.. I don't know. I'm such a pessimist. Shoot me.

Anyway.. tonight Jessica and my mom took me out to dinner at Macaroni Grill and since Ryan works there we got free desserts. It was good, and we all had a lovely time bonding. After we waited and made fun of a bunch of old ladies for sitting too long, we all went and saw Saw 2. [With ryan this time. he got off work] NOBODY was at the theaters. Like.. two other couples. That's it. I was like.. wow, okay. Ryan and Jessica were freaking out, and Ryan was like.. hiding against Jessica - who had sweaty palms and stuff. Mom was just like "whatever" and I laughed. It wasn't what I thought it'd be.. good movie, but didn't live up to my very high expectations. Nice twist at the end, I must say. So.. Yeah. Ryan and I street raced back home. He won, because at one point I had to get over in his lane to turn onto our street and I couldn't pass in front of him enough + there was a car in front of me. Was fun - good night. But I must shower and stuff now.. ugh I don't want to go to school tomorrow. Or be alive all weekend. I'm going to be so fucking bored.
 
     

(once more.)

 
   
07:35pm 02/11/2005
 
mood: amused

So yeah today was just great. Same old'   So, I was on myspace.. and I got sent this long list of people from my school/their friends and each person would put their answer and what not. Kind of like a chain. Well, its the worst response they could possible think of to "I love you"

I won't make you suffer by MAKING you read it, but if you need a good laugh.. go ahead. I never posted mine..btw. Some of them are repeated and I didn't feel like correcting all the mispellings and the 'u's. Have fun. <3 Oh, and don't think that the good ones are really on top. There's some hilarious ones around the middle and end too!

 

I love you.. notCollapse )

 
     

(once more.)

 
I've been drowning in my sleep and I pray for your safety   
10:56pm 30/10/2005
 
mood: BAHAHA
So.. okay. Madi's party was rocking. We played around a bonfire, ate pizza, danced, watched movies and.. chilled. Amazing stuff. Joelle's party I didn't get to attend.. and for halloween. I stayed after school with WRAP horror variety thing then afterward I worked inthe radio studio till 6. My mom and dad picked me, Jess and Devyn up [they stayed after too] at school and we went to BK and McAlisters. We sat in my front room and snarfed fast food, which made us sick afterward.. but I called Wesley's cell and read the side of the bag on his voicemail. It said something about kittens and excitedness.We all picked through my costumes.. got dressed and just before we walked out the door.. some of our friends pulled up in my drive. So.. we drove around for a while, did a couple houses for candy.. almost TP'd some witches house, went to DQ to pick up Ian.. bunches of fun that night was. Oh, and today was cool too. and I just got a new Corpse Bride hoodie. It's f'ing adorable. and I had a new guy for physical therapy today and he kept asking me weird questions, so I'd make fun of him in return. It was funny.
 
     

(once more.)